For The Girl I Used To Be.

I used to be that girl..
That girl who believed with all her heart that love was just right there waiting
That everyone was good
That pain, undescribable pain, didn't exist
I used to believe with every fibre of my being
That love was everywhere
If only I'll stop to take it
I believed in the perfect
That bad things didn't come and go
That life doesn't hold more pain than joy
That love was everlasting
And we all had a piece of it

One rainy day
I saw the truth
The painful
Heartbreaking truth
That love didn't always exist
That fire didn't always burn
Love wasn't perfect
And cute
And sweet
And always without pain
Sometimes love hurts too
Sometimes the people you love
Will hurt you
Break your heart into a tiny little pieces
Pieces that could never be whole again
That innocent
Big hearted
Fun loving
Believing girl
Was gone

I used to be that girl...
Who wore her heart out on her sleeve
Who decided to stop looking
For love in people
But who chose to find love
In the pages of a book
Pages of novels written
Both old and new
I found that forever
In the written word
So I chose to block out the pain that way
To find happy ever after
In fairy tales
And to believe that
Just around the corner
Mine will come to take me out
Of the pain I sometimes feel
I saw myself in everyone of those characters
I became them...

One day,
I couldn't
I couldn't see myself there again
I couldn't find my joy there again
That forever love
It wasn't coming for me
That amazing joy
It ended there
That was not my life
And that fateful day
I realized
It never was
And it never will be
So I stopped
Yes I stopped believing...

I used to be that girl...
Who created stories
Who wrote her pain down
Painstakingly honest with myself
In the pages of a blank paper
Seeing and bleeding
It out
I found that I was better that way
Putting just a little bit of myself
Right there
Me in every single character
Me in every single word
I became my own everything
My own love
My own best friend
My very own true love...

I lost my heart
My faith
My joy
My forever
I couldn't find her
That girl who had the best advice
Who listened without judging
Who became without question
Because she had lost a part of herself too
And so she just couldn't
Couldn't be honest anymore
Couldn't believe anymore
She couldn't bear to be
Painstakingly honest
Because she was afraid of what she'll find there
So she chose to hide
Hide behind friends
Hide behind smiles
Fake laughter
Sweet words
Everyone's forever
Except hers....

She found hope
Hope where she thought she'd lost it
Hope in that girl
Hope in that love
Hope in those pages
Hope in that honesty
So she found love again
Maybe it wasn't hers
Maybe it never will be
But for right now,
It was hope
It was home
It was hers
It was here
And so she'll hold on
Hold on to it
Maybe it won't last
Maybe it won't stay
Maybe it won't always be hers
Maybe she could never be that girl again
Maybe her heart is too broken
Maybe forever didn't exist
Maybe there's heartbreak just around the corner
Maybe life will still bring her right back down
Maybe love will always elude her
Maybe she didn't even deserve it

For right now,
Hope exists
The rainbow kind
The kind that tugs at your heart
The kind that keeps you moving
When it all falls apart
The kind that holds on just because
Hope that life will go on
Hope that her love wasn't lost
Hope that her faith wasn't dying
Hope that she'll survive whatever
Hope that her forever wasn't lost
Hope that her bestie was still here
Hope that That girl didn't die

Because sometimes...
You look around and it's all gone
You look behind and there's no one
You look inside and it's all quiet
But you just have to look up
And you'll find it
That Hope
The one that can only come when
It has all come crashing down
Because sometimes
All you ever need is

Love, A.


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